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Sunday, March 27th, 2005
9:57 am
sometimes i feel like i'm totally unraveling and that the people i surround myself with are just pulling the strings even harder. last night pissed me off a lot. and now i don't want to be back in columbus. because everybody is full of shit. complete shit.

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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
1:24 pm
An update.

So, finals suck and that's all on that.

Baltimore on Friday. Rock.

Miami on Tuesday. Rock? Maybe. For those of you who are unaware, my Aunt Julie (who resided in Miami) died two weeks ago. So we are going to Miami to pick up her jewelry from the police station and put some of her things in order. It's still beach time. But it's also still depressing.

I have nothing to say at all. Like, nothing at all.

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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
7:29 pm
So I had the most depressing thought today and it pretty much threw off my entire day. I was walking back from Moe's and I was like, "I'm going to write a letter to Aunt Kathy when I get back. I haven't heard from her in a while." And then I realized what I had just thought and started crying. And here I am again crying. Today also happens to be the birthday of my grandma and coco, both of whom are dead.

I have also felt like throwing up all day. Niiiiice.

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Friday, January 7th, 2005
1:17 am
our room is completely disgusting and i am very dishearted. i would like for this to change. which means tomorrow we clean. and tomorrow we discuss not being so disgusting. because i am not a filthy person. i am messy/cluttered but not dirty. jean, on the other hand, is nasty as all get out. between her empty popcans (which are stored on her desk, in the bathroom, under her bed and other random places), the pile of candy wrappers/empty bags and the piles of dirty clothing on the floor i am just fed up. I AM NOT AN ANIMAL...though at the moment i feel as though i am not capable of loving a man.

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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
11:05 pm
Ahhh New Year's. What a brilliant performance by me. Like, the best ever. I was fucking cracking myself up all night. I was hitting up the bubbly like a champ (with James) and basically was awesome. I managed to keep myself away from the crackhead who I was INSANELY attracted to. He was definitely a crackhead. Or a coke fiend. He was someting. But terribly, terribly hot. I believe I drunk dialed one of Tim Ashley's Tim's friends. I have no idea if I talked to him or not. It could have been voicemail. I'm really not sure at all. Like, no clue. God, I had so much fun, though. And who can forget Taco Bell? I was the obnoxious drunk girl yelling out the car window (sorry Ashley, I owe a huge thank you to God for not getting us pulled over) at strangers. God, I had so much fun. I believe I also talked to Ashley's little brother and tried to say I was Ashley. Again, I'm not too sure. OH! I also got into a "fight" with this dude Chris because I didn't want to listen to Prince anymore. hahahah, that was fun. He's nice. And of course, Derek and I danced the night away. And I'm fairly certain he hit on every guy there. BRILLIANT, DEREK!

I guess this is all I can say about last night because it's all pretty much a huge blur. But a giant, fun blur.

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Friday, December 31st, 2004
8:29 pm
I am so bored. I have like half an hour to kill before I can complete the getting ready process. Holy hell. Half an hour. So weird.

I watched ROTK with Chris today. He sits too close for me. I mean, it's nice to be all cutesy when you like the guy, but I'm not interested in him. So scootch over. He just does that, though. With all the ladies, so wahoo!.

I've been hydrating myself all day. Like to the extreme. I haven't stopped peeing since about 5. I just don't like the idea of going into a night of drinking already dehydrated. That's a bad idea.

Things to do before I pick up the crowd:

-lotion
-makeup
-paint toes (maybe)
-pack an overnight bag
-get camera and phone
-grab some cash
-squeeze into dress

All of that is doable. But my toes probably won't get painted. in fact, I just decided that I'm not going to.

Do I have anything to say? NO. I'm just listening to Buzz argue with his friends about whether or not animals died in the tsunami. He says, "Of course they died. They're animals." Ah, Buzz. You just like to argue.

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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
7:50 pm
All this thong talk has upset me. What's the big deal with thongs? They're not cuter than regular underwear. And when you can see them, it's just trashy and not hot. There are very few times when a visible thong is attractive. My ass is not cute. It's pale and it's a butt. They're bizarre. Whatever.

I get blamed for eating all the food in the house and I just want to punch people when they say shit like, "good god, marguerite, did you eat all the oreos?" YES I ATE THEM ALL AND NOW I NEED MORE BETTER WATCH OUT OR I'LL RIP YOUR STOMACH OUT JUST SO I CAN LICK THE DOUBLE STUFF GOODNESS OUT OF YOUR INTESTINAL LINING

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Monday, December 20th, 2004
3:59 pm
Dream:

I was swimming in a hotel swimming pool in Detroit with Stephen from Laguna Beach and some other random people. He kept trying to get me to go home with him because I needed a ride.

Fact:

I added Cute Guy to my buddy list. I am pathetic. And also hilarious. Come on, thats funny.

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Saturday, December 18th, 2004
2:53 pm
I forgot to add this part of my dream from the other night:

I was directing some sort of musical number for this group of kids. I was supposed to teach this dance number to the kids' parents. All the parents were divorced and it was all just an attempt to get them back together.

Fucked up.

My dreams from the past couple of nights have been equally bizarre, but I don't remember them now. Sad.

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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
12:17 pm
So more weird dreams:

I was in a camp with pretty much everyone I've ever met in college but we were all about 12. Amy Sheets was having a party and some chick called me and told me that nobody liked me. I had to figure out who it was and all I knew was it came from the cabin next to me. So, I go over there to see who's in teh cabin and it's a bunch of kids from floor 21 from Lincoln last year. Megan is sitting there and so is Doug. Turns out Doug called me. So I left and was really sad cause Doug and I are friends. I hear Megan say, "Doug's friends with Stretch and Stretch thinks she's crazy." [Stretch is what cute guy's friends called him in high school. and also his xanga username] Greg, from my floor this year, was there and he told me something, but I don't remember what it was. Well, since I got it all figured out, I decided I didn't care so I went bra shopping. I found this awesome push up bra and bought it. I came back to the cabin and decided to go for a run. So I'm running and I manage to get to Valerie's house (btw, I had passed mountain bikers on the path I was on, just as some extra dream detailing). We just chill for a while and she brushes her hair out completely straight. Weird.

Then I go back to the cabin and play card games with my family. Except the cabin has turned into an inner city abandoned warehouse. I get a call from my Grandma (who, by the way, is dead in real life). Her voice sounded really weird. Then she passes the phone to her "war friend" Ryan. I talk to Ryan for a while and I see these weirdass birds. Like really weird. I don't think I can even describe them. One of them was like a blue feathered buffalo-shaped thing and it's feathers (which were like feathers from a boa) just flopped around when it flew. While I'm talking to Ryan, I keep trying to get my family to come looks at the fucking birds cause they're so weird. But they dont and my family has continued to play the card game without me. I hang up with Ryan and realize I'm waaaay out of the game, so I get back in. There's just this huge line of cards on teh table, and I throw down a pair of sixes and a pair of queens. That should have meant I won. Except that I also threw in part of an Uno deck. So we're all arguing about who's winning when I get up from the table and go back to the window. The birds are still flying around, as are the dragons, when I see two planes come down. One is flying regularly, and the other is flying backwards because it's crashing. So the plane crashes and there's an explosion and I'm like, "call 911!" So we do. I'm watching people from the plane jump onto those inflatable things while the Sheriff helps them. I get a call from the police station and they say I'm going to have to testify as an eye witness. Then my alarm woke up at noon, end dream.

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
12:52 am
I just lost my entry. Son of a bitch...
do I try and recreate? or say f it and go on a new tangent? the entry was pretty boring in that it was about this book i'm reading (The Fat Girl's Guide to the World.) f it.

new entry.

My mom and I went Christmas shopping today. I got 3 pairs of stockings (for those winter skirt days...YES!), a pair of socks, and a hair straightener. Excellent gifts. I also bought my brother a dart board (for when he eventually moves out) and got Valerie a new Monopoly set (for when she eventually moves out). My mom and I thought it would be good to have games and shit for them. My mom also got my brother boxers and some new t-shirts. We also bought coat hangers. She got a cool ass black shirt for herself. Nice work Mom. We had fun today. When we came home, we all hung out in our RV for like 3 hours. I'm so serious, too. We were just sitting in there talking and periodically one of us would start laughing because we're chilling in a trailer. Then we brought the dog in. ha.

Tomorrow Ashley, Derek and I are going to Ann Arbor. should be fun. I called Kyle to give him a heads up. Good times, I predict. Good times. I'm hoping to find something cool for Deb. And maybe a pair of shoes or a fabulous skirt.

I think I'm gonna watch Crystal Village on pete's site.

I think I'm gonna see the Incredibles with the fam tomorrow or friday night. Ah fam. I love you.

I'm also getting the ol' hair cut Thursday. Should be exciting. NOT.

Last night I dreamt someone cut my hair off. It was to my chin and i was PISSED. The strange thing is I had multiple dreams last night and my hair was cut short in all of them. My dreamscape is so strange. And detailed.

This entry blows in comparison to my original. That always happens, doesn't it?

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Monday, December 13th, 2004
1:42 am
addiction is my secret, secret fantasy. like to diet pills or caffeine pills.

things that irritate me at home:

everyone leaves all the lights on, so i have to turn them all off cause i'm the last one up. including the scary basement lights and living room lights.

matt never washes his pans until debasaurus gets pissed, thus breaking all harmony

valerie. period. (not all the time, obviously, but she's always just AROUND)

puggy has designated me as the primary care giver, so she now runs up to me and scream-cries when she wants something.

things that i love about home:

sleeping in til 1:30

couches

buz and deb

matthew (and valerie)

puggy

unlimited cups of tea

freedom to try on all my clothes and model them to myself

having a stereo that isn't a computer

books everywhere

tivo

the possibility of never having to leave the house (today, for example, i did not leave the house)

never feeling alone. as in lonely alone.

driving

the horrible, horrible mall

endless optimism. right.

making plans with no intention of carrying them out.

not being stressed out.



Anyway. I left my journals at school which sucks. I pretty much only write in them when I'm at home. God, I love doing that, too, because I'll just sit on my floor with my stereo on and write. Sometimes I even burn a candle or two. Usually not, though.

I took 3 showers today. And I feel warm and safe and happy and oddly satisfied. I plan on sleeping in my bathrobe. So warm. So thoughtful.

Ashley's 20 now. Crazy.

I printed out all this information on French and International Studies. At some point I plan to map out some of my future. HA. Right.

Why am i so content right now? I don't know.

i don't want a boyfriend...

Pete Yorn, you beautiful, beautiful man. I love your music.

I watched Shrek 2 today. It was cutesy.

Here's a list of movies I've watched over break:
Spiderman 2
Mean Girls
Cheaper by the Dozen
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
The Mummy Returns
Shrek 2

That's funny. I love love heart love crappy movies. They are my favorite. Mummy Returns, I'm pointing my finger to you right now. If only I could watch an Anne Hathaway movie right now. That would just top it all off. I watched Ella Enchanted over Thanksgiving and LOVED it. Because it was stupid. Why do I like dumb movies so much? Damn. I really do, though.

La! Some day soon I will go Christmas shopping. It'll be crazy. Matthew and I are supposed to go to the Erie Street Market this week to get Mama's gift. And I'd like to go to Ann Arbor sometime soon. Just cause it's so fun there.

Tomorrow I'm making an emergency library run. The books I picked out all suck and I can't stand the thought of putting time into them. so here's my hat being thrown in the wind.

Me and cinderella, we put it all together. We can drive it hoooome with one headlight.

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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
3:05 pm
Apparently our pregnancy conversation (consisting of who would look cute pregnant) manifested itself in my dreams last night:

so, I was pregnant in my dream, but i was carrying a surrogate child so i had to give it up and I knew I would have to but I was really upset about it. During my pregnancy, my neighbor was really pregnant. LIke, she was huge. And she was really excited to be having her baby, and I was jealous that she got to keep it. When I was talking to her, these dudes came to get me and i was taken to this hospital. but i was like, "i'm not big enough to have this baby yet" and i lifted up my shirt and looked in the mirorr and it looked like i was probably 6 months along so i started crying and saying, "don't take my baby, don't take my baby" then i was put on a gurney thing and wheeled away to a new room. these statues came to life to watch over me and make sure i didnt leave. I thought they were going to cut the baby out of me, but I woke up before it could happen. i wasn't happy with the dream.

That's really weird. I was pregnant in a dream. Never had that before.

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
2:16 am
so i was having this crazy fake conversation wtih someone in my head while i was trying to fall asleep and i figured something out and want to document it. i realized some of the reason why i'm not all over dating.

i attract a certain type of guy, for whatever reason, that seems prepared to be owned. I can identify the guys, too, because they have this look they give me. It's in the eyes. They give me "soft" eyes like, "hi, i'm a nice guy." It's like they clear their face of a real expression and put on a little smile. And I'm not talking about the "introduction" face. I get those, too, and that is a completely different face. jesus. this is not coming out right at all. not at all.

one more try. it's like they want something from me. or want me to be something. like some heroic divinity. i have no idea why that is, as i'm not THAT pretty and i'm not THAT awesome. i mean, i don't deserve it. (this is so pompous i can't even believe i'm writing this entry, but i'm gonna keep going for my own sake.) I feel like certain guys put me up on this pedestal that I just don't want to be on. At all. I want some guy to be like, "I am your equal in all aspects. Don't give me shit. Don't play your games." Because I definitely have some sort of game I play. It's got something to do with my need for people to like me and to keep liking me. I also feel like I treat people like they're disposable. (I'm not beating on myself right now, I'm just having a moment of clarity, that is not clear in my ramblings.) Anyway, I just don't want to be worshipped and I don't want someone putting some fake persona on me. I'm not that mysterious crazy girl at all. And I'm really freaking sick of being called weird. I'm not.

I just want some guy to mirror me back to myself truthfully. I don't want moon eyes or nervousness. I need some guy to be like, "This is how you are." I want it really badly.

Well, now that I've sufficiently slaughtered what I was trying to say, I'm gonna go back to bed since I have a final tomorrow. Fuck me for ruining a pure thought by trying to write it out. Damn it all.

But, I'm thinking maybe guys do this to every girl and it's just something that happens. And of course, I'm sure girls do it to guys, too. I dunno. People are weird.

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
8:27 pm
i'm flipping out. we just watched a video from when my grandpa was young. we watched his graduation from georgetown in fucking 1934. he was sooo young.

i am flipped the fuck out. one day, almost 70 years from now, i'll be like him. i won't be young. i'll be old and lucky if i can walk. lucky if i'm alive. holy shit. i'm not going to be young and cute forever. oh my god. his life was so different than it is now. way different. i don't do enough. oh god. i'm freaked out.

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Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
11:40 am
Once, I was filling out a survey, and I thought, "I'm wasting my life. I'm a failure." and I stopped. But here's a thing from Haubs. Yes.


**YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE/LIVED ON)
Coco Parkwood

**YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (FAVORITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHER'S FIRST NAME)
Apple Elliot

**YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVORITE RESTAURANT)
Witching Bento

**SOCIALITE ALIAS: (SILLIEST CHILDHOOD NICKNAME + FIRST TOWN WHERE YOU PARTIED)
Fartafeet Columbus

**"FLY GIRL" (or guy) ALIAS: (FIRST INITIAL + LAST THREE LETTERS OF YOUR LAST NAME)
M Rts

**DETECTIVE ALIAS: (FAVORITE BABY ANIMAL + NAME OF HIGH SCHOOL)
Pony Maumee

**BARFLY ALIAS: (LAST SNACK FOOD YOU ATE + YOUR FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK)
Chocolate Screwdriver

**SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (MIDDLE NAME + STREET WHERE YOU FIRST LIVED)
Elizabeth Parkwood

**ROCK STAR ALIAS: (FAVORITE CANDY + FAVORITE MUSICIAN'S LAST NAME)
Almond Joy Yorn



Guuuuh.

My uncle fucking sucks. I guess he was screaming at my cousin Jake (his son) when they were here. He said, "you're so disrespectful. You know what, Jake? You're a fucking prick. Fuck you." Jake is 12 and really nice and well behaved. He's an incredibly good kid, and he's really smart. So my uncle is a fucking dickhead and I can't stand him. I guess he told my mom that he knew I wasn't here because of what he said to me last time, so he left a present for me. It was a toy horse. Yeah. Cute, you asshole. Damn, he sucks so much. Apparently he was talking to Matt and Valerie and was like, "yeah, and I've quit drinking and smoking weed." I fucking hope so, you fuck up. He's almost 50, and he's got 3 kids. Weed is something you stop doing in college. What a loser. I can't stand him.

Anyway, Cincinnati was fun and I bought a really bitchin hat.

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Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
12:03 am
Several things.

I was sitting on the couch and I started to wonder if beautiful people think about how beautiful they are. To an extent, I'm sure they do, as most people contemplate their attractiveness. But, I really want to know if really good looking people sit and think, "I'm beautiful." Please no one be like, "everyone's different. we all have different thoughts," because I will kill you. Everybody's the same so fuck you.

Next thought

I have not slept in so long. Well, that's not true. I slept in really late yesterday, but still only got about 6 hours of sleep, which isn't so bad. But last night I laid in bed til about 5 and woke up at 8:30. What's that about? So I'm fucking tired as balls but I'm already wired. Bullshit. This happened on vacation and it sucked because there was nothing to distract me from no sleep.

Couping my cheveux tomorrow. Just a trim and a reshaping, probably.

I'm on a crazy chicken crave. For the last two weeks, I have not stopped thinking about chicken. I can't get enough of it. Which is good, because, come on. Everyone knows chicken is the most bitchin of all poultry. I tried duck the other day and wanted to puke. I feel it tasted like tongue would taste. And it was not good.

So I'm hiding out from my uncle this weekend, because he's visiting AGAIN and I just can't stand him. I had this dream last night that I was in my grandpa's house in buffalo (with a randomly hot guy-tall, long, dark hair-not my type at all...), and I was hiding from my uncle (as well as random ghosts, go figure) and the thing I remember the clearest is my uncle saying, "She's here. I know she is, and she's just hiding from me like a coward." And it really bothered me, during and after the dream. But, I've since justified it because this is the only weekend I can see Amy before school starts, and visiting Shannon is never a bad thing. So fuck you, Dream Deggie. You're an asshole.

Went to the HS with Hannah to see Madame today. We're gonna get coffee with her before we leave. We also chatted with Mrs. Drage, which was surprisingly fun. But the strange thing was that being back at school, even though it's all constructionified, didn't feel weird. At least nowhere near what I expected. That was the first time I'd been back since graduation, too. It just seemed as though I hadn't changed at all. I bet if I had gone at the beginning of summer, though, it would've felt bizarre and horrible.

Ashley, Kyle and I made a short stop in Ann Arbor today, and seeing college guys gave me an insta boner. It was ridiculous. I'd make a comparison to a bitch in heat, but I feel that expression is too graphic for what I want. So, we'll say that I greatly appreciate the male form and would not at all mind getting me a piece of boy in the near future.

Valerie Sr and I are going to go outlet mall shopping on Friday. So woohoo. Me spending more money I simply do not have. I had better look for a job as soon as school starts, or I'll be pissed at myself. Cause I need money. For shoes. And clothes. And jewelry. Because I've become a girl obsessed with my appearance. I want to look nice now, and I've been building my wardrobe up all summer with pretty things. It makes me kind of pity myself. But you know, it's only acceptable to dress like crap for a short period of time. And, unfortunately, I'll be entering the world of adults rather soon, so I may as well look like one.

I'm almost 20. That is so old.

I want to keep writing, but I don't have more to say. Except to say what I've been doing lately, and I don't have the heart for the now.

Tomorrow:
wake up
garden
haircut
library
pool
kyle (probably)

I'm going to pick up the count of monte cristo tomorrow. I haven't read it ever, and I feel like it's a book I would enjoy. Dumas is a good shi.

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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
7:30 pm
Um, Montana was fun, but it rained the entire week (every single day) and was no warmer than 55. It was closer to about 48 degress everyday. But I went horseback riding...in the rain and cold.

I'm really, really, really mad I missed the partay in BG. Like, I want to cry, and there's a good chance I will (I slept maybe 3 hours last night and then got on a plane all day, so I'm entitled). I missed seeing Carolyn. F'ing bullshit, playas. And it sounds like I missed a kickass party. Seriously. I'm gonna squirt some right now.

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Friday, August 20th, 2004
3:48 pm
Watching yourself dance is like watching porn. It just feels wrong but you can't help being turned on by it.

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Monday, August 16th, 2004
12:04 pm
I lied today. I now feel guilty. I told Mrs. Wall I was going to the doctor because my stomach hurt. The truth is, my stomach was upset because it has been doing that a lot lately and she knows that but I just really didn't feel like doing anything. I diagnosed myself as having sinus problems and I plan to execute that lie tonight. Again, I feel guilty. But not guilty enough to not lie. Or tell my mom. So, livejournal, here is my confession: I lied today and plan on lying again to support this lie. Let it be known that I have not told a lie in a long time and telling two lies in one day is not a common practice of mine.

Please do not judge me.

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